Predictions for 2012
- Jacob Zuma goes down to the river, and is reborn. He emerges stronger than ever and kicks butt from the Union Buildings to Manguang. The Zunami returns to see him triumph in having his second term endorsed significantly. Berlusconi’s plastic surgeon does tasteful things to Msholozi’s face.
- Malema discovers, through the City Press, the half-brother he never knew. Elias Malema went to Grey College, plays cricket and listens to Katie Melua. Julius short-circuits and is caught gay-bashing on tape. While taking a significant dive amongst the over-30 age group, his popularity skyrockets amongst the youth, especially in the 10-16 years segment. The mayor of Kampala names a street after him.
- Jackie Selebi makes medical history and is the first person diagnosed with a new strain of diabetes-induced extra-slow alzheimers, the first symptom of which is an unwillingness to accept that he and Agliotti were ever buddies. The disease is obviously terminal, but since the future of the human race depends on finding a cure, Jackie is flown to the United States, where a significant portion of the federal healthcare budget is devoted to keeping him alive. Among the life-prolonging measures employed are long stretches of Grand Theft Auto V with Don King, fuelled by Cuban cigars and Johnny Walker.
- Lindiwe Mazibuko goes Malema on Helen’s hinie. She launches a successful palace revolt which sees Helen expelled from the DA for “lacking traction with the party’s largest constituency”. Helen consults the ancestors and spends R50,000 on a bag of herbs which she hangs round her neck for 6 months before being arrested by the metro police for Rastafarianism.
- The first commercial batch of cultured chicken meat (grown from cultured chicken cells in huge vats at Long Wing Chicken Technology Plant in Guangdong, China) is tested in South Africa. The chicken farmers picket the Chinese Embassy, but are arrested by the SAPS and thrown into chookie. Animal rights activists have no idea who to support.
- The Springboks, fresh from a convincing 34-10 test victory over Russia, find themselves the world’s most sought after synchronized male-modeling team. Galliano’s winter collection, “Lineout”, garners top fashion awards, and Pieter de Villiers moves on to a creative position at Fashion TV.
- Massive strike actions ripples across the country for 12 months. Emergency workers strike for the right to strike, while the SAPS launches a sympathy campaign and refuses to arrest paramedics striking illegally. The SAPS go-slow intensifies and Lindiwe Sisulu deploys the army, which responds by arresting citizens who insult the strikers’ cause by doing things like reporting a crime or calling an ambulance. In an attempt to plug the gap in the workforce, Cabinet decides to nationalize Swaziland. This is easily accomplished after it is explained to Mswati that the process is basically a bureaucratic one and will not affect his lifestyle at all.
- Bafana joins the round of national strikes but no one notices for two months, at which point a few wags make a couple of “striker” jokes, before the whole matter is quickly forgotten.
- Cricket SA places a moratorium on international matches involving recognized test sides like Australia, England, and India, citing damage to the national psyche.